Inside Ravenhill - Case Files

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JOY ASTON

Large female Specimen. Baby fixated. Arrived Feb 2003, took a baby from a pram left outside Asda in the Bristol suburb of Coalpit Heath. Kept said baby for almost a week before police were alerted by neighbours complaining about a bonfire of used disposable nappies. Try working here for a fortnight! Husband claimed he was unaware of the infant's presence in the shed but traces of baby sick found on his tank top. Police suspicious - he couldn't account for his whereabouts at the time.

Initial interviews show Specimen to be seemingly normal - co-operative and genial. Soon knock that out of her - putting her in a room with Lezzie Lizze who is a meat maid (she likes them big). See if a couple of nights in there won't loosen her tongue. Certain it will loosen something.

Specimen will not accept that she took the baby - she thinks that the child was hers and that social services have taken him from her. Delusional. Poss ECT?

She has requested a breast pump and pads so she can 'express' some milk for her 'baby'. The following morning she had produced half a bottle. Had Lizzie taste it but she couldn't determine the source.

Husband came to visit today. Brought flowers (garage). Shifty. Specimen ignored him, he did a Sudoku (fiendish). Is he bringing her the milk???

Husband's visit has stirred up some memories (stirred up some mammaries too, more milk this morning). When pushed she snapped for the first time - suspect she could be like a pregnant lioness when cornered. Vicious. Have ordered the room to be bugged. Cries out in her sleep for 'Paul' - an affair? Doubt it.

Spent three hours talking with patient this afternoon using only the word 'Paul'. Broke her in the end. It appears Paul was Specimen's real baby which died some years ago. Couldn't get her to give any details regarding infant's death - even when I brought a couple of the wardens in to work on her. Probably irrelevant anyway. Looked in on Specimen later this evening - another bottle of milk has been produced. If it is a trick - I really want to know the secret.

I ordered a cavity search and discovered four small plastic UHT milk containers in the anal passage. So that's where she's been keeping them! Glad I didn't have any on my cornflakes - unlike Lizzie.

Dr Strachan has suggested a surrogate infant be introduced into Specimen's life. Thinks it will have a positive effect and open her up to recalling past events. Went and found an old doll in Lost Property and took it to Specimen. Told her his name was Freddy and he needed looking after. Surprisingly she seemed wary at first but took him regardless and I left her cradling him and singing a lullaby (I think it was “When You Wish Upon A Star”). Should keep her quiet for a bit.

ROBERT GREENSPAN

Specimen is a Dwarf. Was brought here after threatening to jump off a building. Said he can fly. Delusional. As with all disabled Specimens found him to be arrogant and confrontational. Says he can prove he has 'special powers'. I asked him to move a cup. He stared at it for half an hour, temples throbbing, but all that happened is that my coffee got cold. He thinks there must be a negative force field in Ravenhill which are stopping his powers. The only negative force in here is Moaning Megan in accounts (more problems, missing VAT this time. She may have to go...)

I decided to dress the little dwarf up as a spider today. Don't ask me why, it just made me laugh.

The place awash with dwarves today, as Specimen visited by his fellow midgets from recent pantomime. The canteen was like something out of Time Bandits. This set off Derek of course who believes he's a cat and told me he could catch all the mice. He kept crawling round on all fours and baring his teeth at the little people. But he did catch one - well done Derek!

One of the visitors, a dwarfess, told me she could help me get to the bottom of the situation, but by this time I'd had enough and showed her the door. Well, the cat flap anyway. Told security to get rid of them as they were scaring the other patients. She started yelling at me and then the fire alarms went off and we had to have drill. All the sprinklers went off for no reason. Costs a small fortune to reset them which we can't afford to do (according to Megan) so I decided to leave it. If there's ever a fire in here they'll all be toast, but serves them right for constantly setting them off in the first place.

We've had a month of silence, ever since I banned the freak show. Won't utter a word. Quiet as a mouse. Well, if he wants to act like a mouse, he'll be treated like a mouse. Cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We'll make him squeak for his supper.

Visitation rights requested by dwarfess. Denied.

All hell broke loose today. I let them have the TV on in the vegetable patch (recreation room) and a small group of dribblers were watching some comedy on BBC2. One of them wanted to watch the 3rd series of A League of Gentleman, but as I never saw any trailers for this on the BBC I can only assume he was making it up. However Little Mouse started getting agitated when a programme called The Office started its second series on BBC2 (I had seen plenty of trailers for this). Started yelling about a carrot called Lucy and crying that 'Freeman took her'. Put him in solitary for rest of the week.

OSCAR LOMAX

Shouln't be in here this one. I shouldn't have to deal with blinds - though it does have its advantages. The piano is in tune for the first time in years. Think I might put on a little musical show for the Governors. See if we can't get a bit more cash from them. God knows we need it.

Specimen referred here after several botched suicide attempts. Attempted to slash his wrists with a dessert spoon, tried to gas himself in a tumble drier and swallowed 38 tangerine Tic Tacs believing them to be sleeping pills. My son wonders WHY he wanted to kill himself, but I say it's too late for that. Once they cross the threshold into Ravenhill their past is irrelevant to me.

Blind Specimen in a depression. Slumped in the corner of his cell. Have put him in with Special Ann who's dumb in both senses of the word. Good little experiment I thought; who would crack first? The one who knew someone else was in the cell but couldn't see or hear them, or the one who can only communicate with her hands to a man who can't see her. But he's making no effort. So they both sit there dribbling, motionless and silent, like the studio audience on 'Countdown'.

Big breakthrough today. My experiment of having hungry dogs chase Lomax through a narrow corridor studded with razor blades had failed to produce any reaction, so Specimen had gone back to his cell to lick his wounds (or rather let Special Ann lick them. Interesting.)

Anyway, Special Ann attempted to comfort Lomax with one of her Special Pets (a lilac hippo called Thuds). The reaction was immediate. I want to say his eyes lit up but of course he hasn't got any. Started probing Special Ann about the toy's 'tag' and asking if it was from a 'smoke-free home'. From a brain-free home, certainly. So that's his thing. Fluffy toys. I want to say his eyes watered when I burnt the thing in front of him, but of course he hasn't got any. Maybe his sockets leaked a little. Either way I've got a handle on him now, and handles can be used to close things as well as open them.

Specimen freaked out this morning when a repeat of Hancock's Half Hour came on the radio. Staged a dirty protest until radio was switched off. 'He betrayed him, betrayed Sid!' Have placed an order for the Hancock box-set. I feel another experiment coming on!

A Eureka moment today (for him, not me). Specimen had contacted social services (Joy smuggled the phone in for him I suspect - must fo another cavity search). He'd requested a home help. He doesn't need any help, we care for him! Some hoodied ratface turns up with a greasy-haired social worker and spends hours with Lomax going through his 'plan'. Well he's not going until after the Governor's Day - we need that piano in tune. And I need the money. At least there's Plan B, which I wear round my neck. Nobody knows about that. Nobody. Not even Stuart.

DAVID SOWERBUTTS

Jesus Christ. It scares me that things like this have been roaming the streets for so long. A big simple blob, you can almost see the forceps marks on his when where the doctors squeezed too tight pulling him out. Like a big harmless lumbering slavering dog. Except he's not harmless - killed his own father. Poisoned him. Claims he was 'trying to help him sleep' - yes, and I'm Florence Nightingale.

The mother visits today for the first time this month. And you can start to see where they get it all from, like when they bring out the parents on Jeremy Kyle. She's as daft as he is, but controlling. And he reverts to Norman Bates. Half want to bump her off and see how long it takes him to slip into her clothes. Why do we bother?

It's got a decent singing voice. Heard him in the bath singing 'I Dreamed A Dream' from Les Mis. I'm no Simon Cowell, but while I disagreed with his song choice I'd certainly put him through to Boot Camp. Maybe even Judges Houses. I must have got something in my eye. Mascara's run a bit.

Decided Specimen needs toughening up a bit. Have put him in the greenhouse with Pongo and Banks, and got him sharing a cell with Timberwolf who claims to be the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper. Murder has consequences, and it's about time David learned that.

Irritatingly, Specimen has forged a friendship of sorts with Timberwolf. They both share a morbid fascination with murder and murderers but at the same time wouldn't step on an ant. Spent Craft Class designing and making their own Serial Killers Top Trumps. Found the whole room playing it during Recess, even the Wardens.

I beat Dr Strachen twice in a row today - he had me down to my last card (John Wayne Gacy) and foolishly went for 'Length of Sentence' where Gacy can't be beaten ( 21 consecutive life sentences and 12 death sentences). Then as soon as I'd got Ed Gein and Petiot I was away. This serial killer stuff, it is moreish...

Have cast David as Joseph in the showcase for Governors Day. Know it'll take a long time to get there but he will deliver. Important we make a good impression as I've put in an application for extra funding. Said we need a new kitchen and 'water image therapy room' (totally made this up) as well as general repairs and resetting the sprinkler system. Little do they know what I really need the money for, but I try not to think about that. So come on David, don't 'Close Every Door' and get those colours learnt. It's April now and when do we do the show? November. Not long...